Hot Chowder - with Hoser Dave

Shit, yet another paranoid frenzy.

2010-06-30T18:42:00.003-05:00

Germy soap pump. This apparently is the begining of the next black plague. They're trying to say that there's millions of harmful bacteria all over your SOAP. What will we need to do next? Burn our hands clean? Constantly wear latex gloves? Absolutely rediculous. Next thing they'll say is tap water is poison.

Michael Jackson is DEAD!!!

2010-05-20T22:16:00.002-05:00

Now that I've set the tone, I just wanted to see how many people still read this.
It's 2010, and I'm thirty years old. I'm regressing in my quest for fame. Seems that children don't raise themselves.
So time to throw in a post or two every now and again.

Facebook still dominates actual conversations. The economy had gone to shit. Oil in the Gulf. War still waging. And the green push is getting stronger than ever.

And our second child is a mere 5 months away.

Yup.

My daughter - About 7 Months later.

2009-06-16T06:27:00.002-05:00

Sorry, but Fatherhood is busy.

Danielle Anne Hunt

2008-10-20T16:04:00.003-05:00

My daughter has stolen my heart.

What's 9 months between friends?

2008-10-01T20:02:00.003-05:00

Hello. If you're one of the 6 people that read my blog, you'll see that I haven't touched this in about 9 months. What else happens in 9 months? You can bake up a baby!
Any day now I will become a Dad. This means that everything changes now. I get to warp a mind that I helped create. Wow. I don't think that anyone can actually prepare 100% for a baby, but I think that we'll learn really fast!

I'll make all attempts to update this blog, because I still am not famous.

It's got Lectrolytes!

2008-02-28T07:57:00.000-05:00

So I’m driving to hell (work) this morning and a strange commercial comes on the radio. It’s a mother asking a kid if he’s ever done drugs. Kid responds in a dopey voice, “no”. Mother then asks, “You ever done Pot, Crack, Smack, Crank, Blow, Cheeba…..” Kid responds, “No”. Couple more rounds of this with even wackier sounding drug names for effect. So up to now, I’m thinking this is one of those “guilt you into being a parent” ads. Blah blah blah. But then a narrator pipes up and says, “Do you have a drug test in the near future? If so buy Blank Blank Blank’s Home Drug screening test so YOU can know for sure!” What the fuck! Now I have to worry about my parents Narc-ing me out. What ever happened to the time where you could cut third period biology to go get high and not have to worry about your parents asking you to piss in a cup when you got home? What ever happened to parenting and trusting your kids? Wait, let me rephrase that; wanting to trust your kids.

But wait. This will spark a whole new industry for the kids to avoid any kind of punishment in the home. Clean Piss Energy Drink! I can see it now! Timmy and Johnny get into some really good 100% Colombian and don’t want to risk not being able to go to the big school dance this Friday. BAM! Clean Piss Energy Drink to the rescue! Guaranteed to clean your piss and give you a Guarine and Tuarine and other things that end in aurine high! This stuff will fly off the shelves; even parents will use it for routine random drug screening at the office! Cut to Friday night and Timmy and Johnny are handing their cups of piss to the Officer at the door of the dance. “Thanks Clean Piss Energy Drink!” It will replace Gatorade at all sporting events, become the national beverage of choice at all city council events, and replace the need to parent your children altogether!

Rotten to the Core?

2008-02-27T09:58:00.001-05:00

Since when did humans get a “core”? I checked all of my elementary school science and health notes, and yes I reference them regularly, and found no signs of the “core”. Maybe Canadians don’t have cores. Maybe it’s just the buff people on the fitness infomercials that have cores. They’re the ones that talk about core strength, core fitness, and working your core. That’s why they look so buff! It’s in their core! Either that or it’s the HGH.

Holy shit. That’s it! HGH not only ruins baseball players chances at a spot in the hall of fame, it also grows a human a CORE! I knew it was something simple like that. HGH is pretty new on the ‘roid scene, and so is core training. It’s all making sense now! So theoretically, I can juice the shit out of myself, purchase a core training system for three equal payments of $29.99 and I will be able to hit a baseball to Cuba.

I wonder if in the near future there will be surgical procedures to add cores to people. Tabloids will have headlines like, “Lindsay Lohan – Shocking pictures after secret core implant surgery!” Oprah will have shows about how women with low self esteem thought that a core implant will make them feel better about themselves. Unfortunately they went to Mexico and had the surgery and now they have to have half of their torso removed. So Oprah gives them a new house and a car and puts their autobiography on her book club list and then they are rich like her. I give it two years.

Sorry, I'm retarded.

2008-01-02T15:11:00.001-05:00

Recorded a Podcast, having trouble with the host. Still working on it when I have time.

If you record it, they will listen.

2007-10-31T18:40:00.000-05:00

Alright, here's where all you Hot Chowder fans can actually listen to me instead of reading the type. Within the next week, I will launch the Hot Chowder Podcast.
Subject matter - Whatever the hell I decide.
I want to try this and would greatly appreciate it if you could drop some feedback.

Thanks again for all the readership and comments are always welcome!

Oh Shit! Plaque Bugs?

2007-10-28T14:45:00.000-05:00

Now here's a perfect example of a company preying on the fears of the American public. Oral-B has been using the term, "plaque bugs" in almost every one of their recent toothbrush ads. Then they show a scene of a dingy mouth filled with gross ass looking amoeba like "bugs".

Fuck you Oral-B. For centuries people have lived with these so called bugs with absolutely NO ill effects. They're making it seem that if you don't brush your teeth with their toothbrushes, your teeth will be plagued with these bugs and you will die.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you shouldn't stop brushing your teeth. If anything, brush your teeth at least twice a day. You can build up some pretty bad ass mouth if you don't. I think its all the plaque bugs taking shits in your mouth.

My suggestion to Oral B is sticking some photos of ass hats who don't brush their teeth on screen as motivation. I think that will sell more toothbrushes.

Europa! The pictoral!

2007-10-25T16:36:00.000-05:00

After many people bitching, I just threw some of our Europe pictures up on Flickr.
Here's the link. I'll edit and tag them when I get time.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/95329183@N00/

I come from the land down under.

2007-10-24T19:51:00.000-05:00

The wife and I recently took a two week jaunt through Western Europe on a Contiki tour.
I can safely say that this two week event was one of the most influential things in my life to date. Not only did I absorb the culture of the countries that we visited, but I also got to know some really great people from other areas of the globe.

Let me just say that Australians are fucking awesome. I had so much fun doing this tour with them that Hoser Jen and I want to travel to Australia and visit them as soon as we can. We got to share in some "firsts" for them such as Escargots and Frog Legs. That was a great event. I can't even begin to describe how much fun we had. They were fun loving, easy going, incredibly hilarious people. People I can say are friends. The tour wouldn't have been the same without enjoying it with these people. Thank you.

So this goes to those Aussies who know who they are. Cheers! Prost! And here's to the next time we shall cross paths!

Gerald Ford = God of counterfeit cash

2007-09-18T12:59:00.001-05:00

Apparently I didn’t get that memo. But its true! While in Grand Rapids, a guy was handing out these bills. Go figure, prey on the greed of humanity to guilt people into religion! And why a Million? Why not a Billion? Shit, if you’re going to make fake money, make it worth while! I’d make a Jillion dollar bill. I’d own Bill Gates.

Maybe this is Jesus money. Maybe if you go to church, and you’re a little short on scratch for the collection plate, you can use one of these as an “IOU” of sorts?

I wonder just how many people get this note, read it and then say, “ What the fuck have I been doing all my life? It was all so simple! Why did I follow Jesus n’ shit?” I’m guessing they’re going for the law of averages.

Maybe I should try to bring back common sense and eliminate political correctness and replace it with common courtesy. I’ll use hamburger wrappers and cigarette butts.

Lord of the Flies

2007-09-10T09:46:00.001-05:00

Jen and I traveled to Grand Rapids to visit friends this past weekend. We decided it would be a great idea to go to the beach and have a barbeque. Sounds innocent right? Yeah, sure it is. We get out there and the site is on a huge sand dune. Bad thing is, all the sand flies have hatched and are hungry little fuckers. Apparently I bathed in fly libido enhancer that morning or I smell like a dumpster because the flies swarmed me like it was the plague. I heard the sons-of-bitches plotting on how to tag team me to my death and then the feast was on. There were thousands! We got the idea that flies don’t like water, so we’d go in the lake to escape. Problem was, we had to cross the beach. And do you know who lives on the beach? More sand flies! It was so ass nasty, we had to leave. I swear one raped me.

It reminded me of the movie, “Candyman” when the guy opens his mouth and a bajillion bees fly out. Except it was flies, and they weren’t in my mouth. It’s too bad that I couldn’t control the flies, like I was their overlord. I’d make them do things for me. What exactly? I don’t know. No one has been able to control flies for their own benefit before. We don’t know if they’re good for doing taxes or making nachos. No one will ever know unless someone studies them like that chick who lived in the forest with the Gorillas.

24 Hr. Jesus

2007-08-27T21:36:00.000-05:00

So I'm not on the religious thing. Doesn't seem that important for me to wake up that early on a Sunday morning. But I have noticed some weird things about churches and religion. For instance, the old local bar has turned into a Mennonite church and seems to have Jesus sessions at any odd time of the day. Who chooses what time they get down with the preachin? Was the first guy a big football fan and had them before and after the 1 o'clock game? Get right with God and the Lions will win! Bullshit! I'm pretty sure they're going to open a drive-thru so you can get your fill of Jesus any time you want.

And after a while, wouldn't they finish the bible? It's only like three hundred pages, unless you get one of those ones with the totally awesome pictures of dragons and shit or the ones with the super huge font for the blind people. So once they get through it, do they start again at the beginning? I think that most people don't catch it all every week, that's why they have to keep going back. I'd quit after Jesus invented beer. I think that's chapter two.

Then there's those televangelists. Every time I flip through the dial, I mistake their program for a European soccer match. There's like three hundred thousand people at those things. And why would you go to one of those fiascoes? You can catch it at one of the few churches in your neighbourhood. I think everyone just wants to get on TV. I'd laugh my ass off if someone brought a beach ball and started the wave.

I wonder what it takes to make a church? I think Chotchky should start one. He'd worship turds. I'd join. I bet I could fart in his church.

The First Church of Feces - Brother Chotchky

Margarita Saturday.

2007-08-19T19:19:00.000-05:00

As far as I am concerned, the third Saturday in August is Margarita Saturday. Why? Why the fuck not? Since our gubment isn't willing to recognize actual deserving items as national holidays, why can't I establish one?

The first annual Margarita Saturday was a bit of a suckass holiday, due to the freakishly cold weather and the fact that not too many people like Tequila. Good. More for me.

Here's how you throw your own Margarita Saturday - so you can prepare for next year.

Ingredients:

There should be more drinking related holidays too. You've got St.Patrick's Day, but that's in frosty March. Then there's Cinco de Mayo, but that's in early summer. May 24 isn't far behind there, but technically it's related to some princess or something. Ain't nobody like royalty or nothing.

Suggestions on others?

Facebook = what replaced normal life

2007-08-16T21:12:00.000-05:00

Facebook. I have a page. It's shit. I'll admit it. I'm just not cool enough to add the aquarium and the Superduperpoke-o-rama. You know how much time that damn website has wasted since it exploded? One billion years. Look it up.

My biggest pet peeve with the Facebook is that people can update the population with their "status". What ever happened to talking to someone? Not cool enough? Oh, look. Mary is sad today. B.F.D. No one cares. Go dye your hair black and listen to AFI.

The only good thing about that site, and this is what everyone uses it for, is getting in everyone elses Kool Aid. People are naturally curious about what gossip they can get about anyone else. So I'm going to start spreading random shit on there and see how far it gets. Maybe the Make a Wish foundation will finally let me run the bases at SkyDome if I try hard enough. Another thing people use it for is to stalk ex'es and psycho stalk people they want to bang. Yup. I said it. That includes chicks too. Stalking my sweet ass. Back off!

From now on, I will only attempt to use my Facebook page to totally fuck with people. If anyone pitches a fit about what I do on there, they've got an addiction and need to chill the fuck out. And really, do you care if you are in touch with EVERYONE you've ever met?? Need to add the cashier from the Grocery store to your friend list? Sure it's nice to find out how old friends are doing and whatnot, but there is a reason why you aren't friends anymore. NO ONE LIKES YOU!!!

I hate it when random people that I meet add me as friends. They just want to find out what kind of kickass things it is that I do, and envy me. Fact is, everyone envies me. Even Jesus.
One day, he came to me and asked if we could hang out and take some pictures of us skiing and playing Guitar Hero to post on his Facebook. But I thrashed his ass so bad that he cried and ran home before any pictures were taken.

Why I rock.

2007-06-26T14:12:00.000-05:00

I built this city in my spare time.

I used this Moose to haul the lumber.

I had to eat something, so I punched the water and fully cooked and garnished mussels jumped out.

Then I built the greatest brewery this side of the Atlantic.

Hell yes.

Long weekend - Time to work?

2007-05-25T07:13:00.000-05:00

On long weekends, I often find myself drinking massive amounts of beer and barbecuing anything that I can throw on the Man-B-Q. But other long weekends have a more important purpose.
These are the weekends when your friends get you to do shit for free. They know you aren't going anywhere, so why not assist with Roto-Tilling three acres? Laying 2000 square feet of shag carpet? Delousing the rec room?

These things also come up when you least expect it. Usually you get all geared up to throw back 3 or 27 beers over the course of the weekend, but instead you're assembling a garden shed at the last minute because your buddy's wife asked him to get it put together.

There's no way to plan these tasks either. The instant you start talking about needing help with shit like this it's like the plague hit town. Guys are busy already, going out of town, doing their own chores, or have a chronic case of the gout. You gotta get sneaky and sucker them into it. Use beer and meat as a lure.

But sometimes, and this is really rare, you actually don't mind helping with the work. Usually these tasks outweigh "other" things your wife may want you to do. The lesser of two evils kind of thing. You know, help a guy put up a fence or go shopping for flowers. Pouring a cement walkway in 100 degree heat or choosing your wedding colours. That kind of shit. Make sure that you tell your wife that you HAVE to help. If you mention the importance of the task and how much the other wife wants it done, and if you help him, he'll help with a future project that she wants done. Sometimes she'll let you escape to the land of manliness.

Keep your eyes open gentlemen. Take a look at the whole situation before you commit to assisting in laborious tasks on long weekends. You might end up looking at window treatments all weekend instead of pulling a 350 out of your buddy's pickup.

Pandora Updated

2007-05-23T07:49:00.000-05:00

Holy shit. When will it end. Now the US Gubment is enforcing some bullshit legislation that curtails streaming audio.

Here's a post from Pandora explaining what has happened.

May 03, 2007

Breaking Pandora's Heart...

Dear Listeners -

Tonight we began the heartbreaking process of blocking access to Pandora for listeners outside the U.S.

It's hard to think of anything more anathema to who we are than turning off someone's radio, but the current legal realities leave us no choice. While the DMCA provides us a blanket license in the U.S., there is no equivalent in other countries.

For those of you around the world who received our early warning emails, thanks so much for your kind and understanding replies... humbling. It really means a lot to us (even though it makes it doubly hard to do...)

Trust that we will continue working as hard as we can to obtain the licenses we need, and to push for the establishment of effective, centralized licensing bodies around the world. Hopefully this kind of development will add some urgency to the need for reform in the administration of worldwide copyrights.

We will all eagerly await the day when we can turn this back on, so please stay close. To quote our CTO, Tom Conrad: "we'll take good care of your stations in the meantime."

Keep the faith...

Tim (Founder)

Abso-fucking-lutely ridiculous. Now the internet is being policed for musical content, meanwhile a bajillion bukakke porn sites get domains. Where's the priorities people?

I have seen heaven, and it's made of chicken and beer

2007-05-17T11:10:00.000-05:00

Over the weekend, my lovely wife and I spent our time in the town of Frankenmuth, Mi. You don't even understand how fantastical this place is. But beware, with the good comes the bad. Here is a short list of the pros and cons.

Pros:

Frankenmuth is the location of the only North American distribution center for Hofbrau. That right there ranks it in the Eight Wonders of the World.
All you can eat Fried Chicken Dinners. I don't know what they put in this shit, but wow. A metric ass load of side dishes, mashed potatoes that melt in your mouth, stuffing, veggies for colour, buttered noodles, and of course all the delicious fried chicken you can eat. Oh, and Hofbrau on tap! Delishis! There's no need to eat for at least nine days after this feast.
Fresh Fudge and places called "haus" and "garten"- need I say more.
Hofbrau. Nectar of Bavaria and the official beverage of Mensa.

Cons:

It's in the middle of Michigan, which means this side of nowhere.
It's a retirement attraction. Old folks by the bus load. This should be outlawed. Old people shouldn't be allowed to clog the streets keeping me from the Hofbrau. Send them to Shitshewana.
As the chicken dinners are so absolutely awesome, and they are "all you can eat", it's a magnet for the morbidly obese and every stereotypical NASCAR fan. I find this funny, and constantly get smacked for cracking jokes.
The only place to find Hofbrau, (that I've found).

Be warned and maybe consult the intrawebs for further information regarding the dangers of Frankenmuth. But for those that can survive, the rewards are sweet.

How to write a song - by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and a four year old.

2007-05-16T09:06:00.001-05:00

Kiss that Dyke I know you want to hold one

Not on strike But I'm about to bowl one

Bite that mic I know you never stole one

Girls that like A story so I told one

Song Bird

Main Line

Cash Back
Hard Top

Welcome to the school of how to write a hit song with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Seems they needed a little inspiration after their hit album, "blood sugar sex magik". I think they went to the Dr. Seuss Academy of Rhyme for some help. Oh Mr. Kiedis, bless us with some ingenious writing skill!

Can I get your hand to write on
Just a piece of lead to bite on
What am I to fly my kite on
Do you want to flash your light on
Take a look its on display - for you
Coming down no not today

Oh my lord. Such talent! How about another?

Did you meet your fortune teller
Get it off with no propeller
Do it up it's always stellar
What a way to finally smell her
Pick it up it's not to strong - for you
Take a piece and pass it on

Oh a face melter! Alright Ant'ny, lets close this mother out with the best of the best.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa - do you
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa - want to
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Bitchin'! Let's get little Johnny Johnson to write your next #1 hit!

Hot cross buns! Hot cross buns!
One a penny two a penny - Hot cross buns
If you have no daughters, give them to your sons
One a penny two a penny - Hot cross buns

Genius.

How I won the "lottery" and had it taken from me.

2007-05-09T12:56:00.000-05:00

I travel across the Ambassador Bridge between Windsor, On. and Detroit, Mi. almost every day for work. Not usually a problem. I have a commuter pass which allows me to swipe a card to pay my toll which speeds up the process. These toll booths are not attended by personnel and usually have a yellow flashing light or no light on at all above them. From time to time, people swipe their card a couple times because the gate doesn’t raise in the thirty three nanoseconds they think it should, and it causes the gate to stay open after they pass through. This is like hitting the lottery as far as I’m concerned and it happens to me many times.

Last night I saw such an opportunity. When coming back across the border, I pull up to the toll booth area and see one of the lanes with the gate wide open, no light on above and no one in the booth. Kick ass. So I pull up and head on through back to the safety of my home land. And then I hear, “HEY! HEY!” I look in the rear view mirror and see a woman waving her hand out the window of the tool booth at me. Fuck. She pulled a fucking Whodini on me and wasn’t going to let me get away with my free pass.

“DIS A TOW BOOF”, she scolds.

“The gate was open and there wasn’t anyone there. Your light isn’t even on! I come across the border all the time and this happens all the time in the unattended lanes”, I reply.

“Dis a tow boof. You gots to pay tha tow. I down’t cayer if tha gate is open, you pay tha tow.” I pay and then I could swear she said, “Cracka ass Cracka” under her breath. Wow. What the hell do you care? It’s not like the $4 is going to make the bridge go into bankruptcy. When I worked at Wal-Mart, I used watch people shoplift stupid shit all the time. Did I care. Fuck no. Wasn’t my shit, and I certainly wouldn’t see another dime on my paycheck if I stopped them. Trust me, I tried that route.

And if the lane is in service, turn on the fucking light and drop the gate! If the gate is malfunctioning, put some pylons in front of it so no one can drive through! It’s a simple concept.

I hope I get her as a toll booth attendant again. I’ll be ready with 400 pennies for her.

Hoser Dave on the Jalopnik.com

2007-05-03T07:15:00.000-05:00

Another blog I read several times daily is Jalopnik.com.
Here's my addition to the boys over there.

http://jalopnik.com/cars/memes-that-suck/snakes-for-a-car-257235.php

So I guess my dog could be worth an 86 Cutlass?

What's it worth to you?

2007-05-02T15:07:00.000-05:00

So I read that the asshats at Bell are jacking up the cost of a local call from a payphone from $.25 to $.50! Let me wrap my nugget around this one. The simple fact that payphones are becoming obsolete and more and more people are using cell phones causes the price to double? Wouldn't that make less people use them? You can get pretty cheap pay as you go phone packages out there. I purchased such plan as a safety net in case I got into some car trouble or needed to call a radio station to tell them how shitty their hosts are.

Now I'm even less inclined to grab the receiver of a payphone and brave not getting some incurable disease like dysentery from all the scumbags that rub their garbage all over it as a joke. Why do they do that? Don't they realize that they aren't the first guy to rub the receiver all over their crotch? That's how STD's are really spread. I know. Not from a point of reference, but from science. Bell telephone knows. That's why they're upping the cost of a call to $.50. It's their attempt to stop the spread of syphilis.

I should be on the news.

"That's the coolest old man I've ever met."

2007-04-29T19:06:00.000-05:00

So last night after a ten hour NFL Draft watching marathon, the boys and I decided to take in some adult entertainment. What else would we do to enjoy ourselves after the testosterone filled afternoon of fooball ecstasy. Just so you know, they took out the "t" in football. Look it up.

A quick jaunt to the wondrous city of Flint, Michigan would fulfill the need to see nude women in various stages of their college educations. But this is not where the story lies. Shortly after sitting at our table, we noticed about a mid seventies guy sitting by himself at a table at the end of the stage. He looked like Steve Buscemi in another twenty five years. We've been to many gentlemen's establishments in our short lives, and this was one of the rare times that we've seen a milkshake there, let alone by himself. So I'm watching this guy, curious to see what his deal is. Horny old dude? Accidentally take some Viagra instead of Aleve? Looking to commit suicide by stripper? What? Not long after we get there, he gets up and sits at the stage to tip the dancer on stage. So when the girl comes to him to collect the tip, she shoves his face in her tits. That right there is awesome. But what made it better was the fact that he "motorboated" her boobs! Holy shit! That man has class!

So a few more minutes of him tipping the various girls on stage, and then he takes one for a private lap dance. Then another and another! Mind you, these things aren't cheap! And by the old man's appearance, looks like he's been drawing an old age pension for quite a while. I figure the guy dropped at least $100 in the time that we saw him. Looks like old Steve Buscemi is eating Ramen noodles till the next pension check gets here.

I wonder if the girls want to see if his equipment still works. Just for a point of reference if it comes up in church or something.

Alls I know is I seen the excape.

2007-04-25T20:40:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow at work I'm going to see if I can forget grammar and proper sentence structure.
It's a huge pet peeve of mine when people blatantly mispronounce or misuse words correctly.
Time I see if I'm the only retard who pays attention to things like that. Every chance I get I'll fuck with words and pronunciation and see if anyone corrects me. Not likely, but never the less, worth the experiment.

The main mispronunciations or misuses that really fucking get me going are:
Excape (escape) - I had to excape from that meeting before I fell asleep.
Suposebly - Suposebly, I have a brain in my head.
Seen - Oh yeah? I seen that movie on the weekend.
Alls I need / Alls I'm sayin - Alls I'm sayin is I need a lobotomy.

Fuck! Will you stop and listen to yourselves for once in a while?

On second thought, this would probably drive me nuts trying TO speak that way and cause me to come down with hives. No one likes hives. No one likes turnips either. Fuck turnips.

How I won our "biggest loser" challenge.

2007-04-22T20:47:00.000-05:00

Alright, I was fat. For a while there I tipped the scale at 262lbs. I'm 6'1". I wore a 38 - 40" waist. Fattest I've ever been.
So along comes Ed and Lana, and they say their holding a "Biggest Loser" contest between friends. The deal - $50 per person to get in and in three months, the person who lost the largest percentage of body mass wins. The pot got to $800. Split it between the guy biggest loser and the girl biggest loser for the win. Fucking A. I'm all over this bitch. Fatty McFattavitch could use an extra four hundy to pay down some "bills" and do some needed shopping for my Mini.

So I start working out at the gym and eating right, giving this thing an honest try. I'm thinking I'm doing alright with this and if I lose like 25 lbs, I should be in good shape. But what if one of the other contestants beats me by like two pounds? What can I do to make sure I've put in my all and shed all of the poundage I can? I need to purge. I need a colonic. Yeah, I'm so full of shit and old chewing gum I gotta be able to lose like four or five extra pounds right there. Nice.

So i go to the pharmacy and pick out the one laxative that sounds the most potent. Citro-Mag. May as well called it Colon-Explosion, as I would find. I give most of the people I come into contact with fair warning what I will be doing to prepare for the weigh in. I wear this like a badge. "I'm gonna shit all day!", I profess to the girl at the checkout. She smiles. She doesn't even know.

The weigh in was scheduled for the Saturday after Good Friday. Perfect. I have the entire day Friday to shit my brains out and watch the pounds flush down the toilet. I wake up at 8 AM and immediately down the entire bottle and wait. Tastes nice and citrusy. I throw "Army of Darkness" in the DVD player to pass time because its the greatest movie in the world. All of a sudden about three hours later, it hit me like a shit storm. Literally. I ran to the toilet and started my two hour marathon. I could have sworn that I shit out a Hot Wheels I ate as a child.

I honestly didn't think it did too much, but the scale doesn't lie. A three pound difference. Nice.
At the weigh in, I tipped the scale at 232 lbs. Not bad for three months of eating right and a little secret weapon. That was good for about an 11% drop in body mass, and the top prize as biggest loser.

So call me retarded. Up yours! So what if I shit my way to the win? At least I'm not hauling all that old Trident any more.

Yeah, I guess I was right - kinda.

2007-04-18T08:24:00.000-05:00

So no more Imus on my radio. Now just wreckless speculation regarding the VaTech shooting.
At least American Idol's Sanjaya is not getting the attention he was for a while there.

Lets see how the circus does with this one.

Why i'm sick of the Don Imus bullshit.

2007-04-13T07:27:00.000-05:00

I'm sick of the Don Imus bullshit because it's making a non issue into headline news.
I do not agree with the comment that he made, nor do I condone that behaviour. I'm just pissed that its all over MY FUCKING TV!

GET OFF MY RADIO AND TV NOW!!!

I don't care about this anymore. He's a DJ. He is sorry. End of list. What makes this the news story of the year? Iraq getting dull? No hurricanes or floods to get scared of? Why the hell do I have to constantly hear about his bullshit?

I've never listened to his programs, nor do I care to in the future. I just want the media to stop making this into more of an issue than it already is and move on!

Tell you what. I'll give you a topic to report about you media whores. How about, "How to graduate High School and not become a complete anchor on society!" or my personal favourite, "Chili: The ninth wonder of the world."

My prediction. It's going to take a celebrity death to get everyone to stop talking about Imus. I hope it's Michael Jackson.

What the hell is going on?

2007-04-04T11:48:00.000-05:00

Okay, I can see this leading into a few different posts, but I guess I'll pick one item and start with that.

THE WORLD IS A CRUEL PLACE. DEAL WITH IT.

Period. I cannot stand to hear all the bullshit about, "Teachers can't control their classrooms because children have the upper hand" and "This recess is a "No Running" recess, to prevent injuries."

What the hell is society coming to? A no running recess? Kids can only briskly saunter or up the pace a bit while playing tag? Give me a break. School boards are so afraid of lawsuits in this "sue happy" era that it's affecting how kids are raised. Part of growing up is having authority figures scare the shit out of you when you do something dumb. Now kids are in the driver's seat, because teachers are afraid to so much as raise their voice in fear of losing their jobs.

Fuck that. My teachers used to beat the shit out of us guys when we got out of line. Not to say that we didn't try to retaliate, but we knew from then on there was always that threat. One time I watched my teacher hold a student against the wall by his throat. Not because the teacher felt like doing it, but because the kid was being an ignorant fuck stick and deserved it. There was always "that" teacher that had a run in with a kid years ago, and that reputation kept 99% of the kids in the future in line. I'm sure those teachers had an easier career handling the shit head kids than the push over teachers.

School boards need to re-vamp how they do business and get the control back from the kids. I say we go for a military style school atmosphere. Parents need to realize that they didn't get any of this bullshit when they were in school, and they turned out just fine. School is the first steps in preparing a kid for the real world, and if you keep them in a bubble, they'll turn into socially retarded douche bags.

Pandora

2007-04-01T20:33:00.000-05:00

Just thought I would let you all know about a great internet music site that I've been using for the last few months.
Pandora Internet Radio - can be found at www.pandora.com
This site allows you to discover music that you actually like! This takes Sirius and XM to the next level. You program stations that play music that you rate as a like or dislike.
This now serves as my household radio, and I don't know what I'd do without it. Probably get leprosy or something.

Turd Dog

2007-04-01T19:39:00.000-05:00

Hello,

My name is Chotchky. Hoser Dave and Hoser Jen are my owners. I love them, but I also love to torture them. For instance, one time when they left to go shopping for a while, I decided to eat the cushions on the couch. What can I say? I was hungry and bored!

I've recently been diagnosed with OCD. Yeah, dogs can have OCD too. My obsession is to bite any light reflection ANYWHERE. For instance, Hoser Dave's watch casts a glimmer of light on the coffee table, I have to bite that reflection pronto, even if it means reconstructive dental surgery.

I also have an excessive amount of shit in me for some reason. Might be from a slight bowel obstruction from all the pieces of blanket I eat on a daily basis to annoy Dave and Jen, but I'm not sure. I shit every time I get let outside. On any given day, I could possibly shit 5-7 times. Impressive I know.

I'll pop in the next time I do something that completely pisses them off, and trust me, that might be sooner than later.

Welcome to Hot Chowder.

2007-04-01T19:10:00.000-05:00

Welcome one and all to Hot Chowder. I'll be your host through this adventure in life, love, music, entertainment and what it is that I eat on a daily basis. Not that it's all that important, but moreso than anything I've ever seen on the local news.

My name is Hoser Dave and I'm in my late twenties. I reside in a small town where everyone knows everyone and that's the way they like it. The local weekly newspaper even has a "social" reporter, who reports on all the happenings of every resident of the retirement homes in town. She also reports such important events as, "First Robin Sighting of 2007" and "So and So's relatives are in town from Barrie". Contain yourselves. I'll be sure to use some of her column as fodder.

I should point out one thing before i delve into this "blogging" thing. I have a goal. When I was in High School, I had some difficulty choosing a career path. On one hand, I'm a motorhead, and the other somewhat of an entertainer. I was either going to go to school to work in the automotive industry, or to become a radio DJ. I chose the auto industry, because at the time it was a very lucritive career choice. I did not no at the time that I would grow to hate it more and more as time goes on. So this blog, and eventually podcast "will" (read ~ had better damn well) fulfill that desire to inform and entertain.

So thank you for taking the time to read this and hopefully you'll enjoy my life as much as I do.