24 Hr. Jesus

So I'm not on the religious thing. Doesn't seem that important for me to wake up that early on a Sunday morning. But I have noticed some weird things about churches and religion. For instance, the old local bar has turned into a Mennonite church and seems to have Jesus sessions at any odd time of the day. Who chooses what time they get down with the preachin? Was the first guy a big football fan and had them before and after the 1 o'clock game? Get right with God and the Lions will win! Bullshit! I'm pretty sure they're going to open a drive-thru so you can get your fill of Jesus any time you want.

And after a while, wouldn't they finish the bible? It's only like three hundred pages, unless you get one of those ones with the totally awesome pictures of dragons and shit or the ones with the super huge font for the blind people. So once they get through it, do they start again at the beginning? I think that most people don't catch it all every week, that's why they have to keep going back. I'd quit after Jesus invented beer. I think that's chapter two.

Then there's those televangelists. Every time I flip through the dial, I mistake their program for a European soccer match. There's like three hundred thousand people at those things. And why would you go to one of those fiascoes? You can catch it at one of the few churches in your neighbourhood. I think everyone just wants to get on TV. I'd laugh my ass off if someone brought a beach ball and started the wave.

I wonder what it takes to make a church? I think Chotchky should start one. He'd worship turds. I'd join. I bet I could fart in his church.

The First Church of Feces - Brother Chotchky

Margarita Saturday.

As far as I am concerned, the third Saturday in August is Margarita Saturday. Why? Why the fuck not? Since our gubment isn't willing to recognize actual deserving items as national holidays, why can't I establish one?

The first annual Margarita Saturday was a bit of a suckass holiday, due to the freakishly cold weather and the fact that not too many people like Tequila. Good. More for me.

Here's how you throw your own Margarita Saturday - so you can prepare for next year.

Ingredients:

There should be more drinking related holidays too. You've got St.Patrick's Day, but that's in frosty March. Then there's Cinco de Mayo, but that's in early summer. May 24 isn't far behind there, but technically it's related to some princess or something. Ain't nobody like royalty or nothing.

Suggestions on others?

Facebook = what replaced normal life

Facebook. I have a page. It's shit. I'll admit it. I'm just not cool enough to add the aquarium and the Superduperpoke-o-rama. You know how much time that damn website has wasted since it exploded? One billion years. Look it up.

My biggest pet peeve with the Facebook is that people can update the population with their "status". What ever happened to talking to someone? Not cool enough? Oh, look. Mary is sad today. B.F.D. No one cares. Go dye your hair black and listen to AFI.

The only good thing about that site, and this is what everyone uses it for, is getting in everyone elses Kool Aid. People are naturally curious about what gossip they can get about anyone else. So I'm going to start spreading random shit on there and see how far it gets. Maybe the Make a Wish foundation will finally let me run the bases at SkyDome if I try hard enough. Another thing people use it for is to stalk ex'es and psycho stalk people they want to bang. Yup. I said it. That includes chicks too. Stalking my sweet ass. Back off!

From now on, I will only attempt to use my Facebook page to totally fuck with people. If anyone pitches a fit about what I do on there, they've got an addiction and need to chill the fuck out. And really, do you care if you are in touch with EVERYONE you've ever met?? Need to add the cashier from the Grocery store to your friend list? Sure it's nice to find out how old friends are doing and whatnot, but there is a reason why you aren't friends anymore. NO ONE LIKES YOU!!!

I hate it when random people that I meet add me as friends. They just want to find out what kind of kickass things it is that I do, and envy me. Fact is, everyone envies me. Even Jesus.
One day, he came to me and asked if we could hang out and take some pictures of us skiing and playing Guitar Hero to post on his Facebook. But I thrashed his ass so bad that he cried and ran home before any pictures were taken.

Why I rock.

I built this city in my spare time.

I used this Moose to haul the lumber.

I had to eat something, so I punched the water and fully cooked and garnished mussels jumped out.

Then I built the greatest brewery this side of the Atlantic.

Hell yes.

Long weekend - Time to work?

On long weekends, I often find myself drinking massive amounts of beer and barbecuing anything that I can throw on the Man-B-Q. But other long weekends have a more important purpose.
These are the weekends when your friends get you to do shit for free. They know you aren't going anywhere, so why not assist with Roto-Tilling three acres? Laying 2000 square feet of shag carpet? Delousing the rec room?

These things also come up when you least expect it. Usually you get all geared up to throw back 3 or 27 beers over the course of the weekend, but instead you're assembling a garden shed at the last minute because your buddy's wife asked him to get it put together.

There's no way to plan these tasks either. The instant you start talking about needing help with shit like this it's like the plague hit town. Guys are busy already, going out of town, doing their own chores, or have a chronic case of the gout. You gotta get sneaky and sucker them into it. Use beer and meat as a lure.

But sometimes, and this is really rare, you actually don't mind helping with the work. Usually these tasks outweigh "other" things your wife may want you to do. The lesser of two evils kind of thing. You know, help a guy put up a fence or go shopping for flowers. Pouring a cement walkway in 100 degree heat or choosing your wedding colours. That kind of shit. Make sure that you tell your wife that you HAVE to help. If you mention the importance of the task and how much the other wife wants it done, and if you help him, he'll help with a future project that she wants done. Sometimes she'll let you escape to the land of manliness.

Keep your eyes open gentlemen. Take a look at the whole situation before you commit to assisting in laborious tasks on long weekends. You might end up looking at window treatments all weekend instead of pulling a 350 out of your buddy's pickup.

Pandora Updated

Holy shit. When will it end. Now the US Gubment is enforcing some bullshit legislation that curtails streaming audio.

Here's a post from Pandora explaining what has happened.

May 03, 2007

Breaking Pandora's Heart...

Dear Listeners -

Tonight we began the heartbreaking process of blocking access to Pandora for listeners outside the U.S.

It's hard to think of anything more anathema to who we are than turning off someone's radio, but the current legal realities leave us no choice. While the DMCA provides us a blanket license in the U.S., there is no equivalent in other countries.

For those of you around the world who received our early warning emails, thanks so much for your kind and understanding replies... humbling. It really means a lot to us (even though it makes it doubly hard to do...)

Trust that we will continue working as hard as we can to obtain the licenses we need, and to push for the establishment of effective, centralized licensing bodies around the world. Hopefully this kind of development will add some urgency to the need for reform in the administration of worldwide copyrights.

We will all eagerly await the day when we can turn this back on, so please stay close. To quote our CTO, Tom Conrad: "we'll take good care of your stations in the meantime."

Keep the faith...

Tim (Founder)

Abso-fucking-lutely ridiculous. Now the internet is being policed for musical content, meanwhile a bajillion bukakke porn sites get domains. Where's the priorities people?

I have seen heaven, and it's made of chicken and beer

Over the weekend, my lovely wife and I spent our time in the town of Frankenmuth, Mi. You don't even understand how fantastical this place is. But beware, with the good comes the bad. Here is a short list of the pros and cons.

Pros:

1. Frankenmuth is the location of the only North American distribution center for Hofbrau. That right there ranks it in the Eight Wonders of the World.
2. All you can eat Fried Chicken Dinners. I don't know what they put in this shit, but wow. A metric ass load of side dishes, mashed potatoes that melt in your mouth, stuffing, veggies for colour, buttered noodles, and of course all the delicious fried chicken you can eat. Oh, and Hofbrau on tap! Delishis! There's no need to eat for at least nine days after this feast.
3. Fresh Fudge and places called "haus" and "garten"- need I say more.
4. Hofbrau. Nectar of Bavaria and the official beverage of Mensa.

Cons:

1. It's in the middle of Michigan, which means this side of nowhere.
2. It's a retirement attraction. Old folks by the bus load. This should be outlawed. Old people shouldn't be allowed to clog the streets keeping me from the Hofbrau. Send them to Shitshewana.
3. As the chicken dinners are so absolutely awesome, and they are "all you can eat", it's a magnet for the morbidly obese and every stereotypical NASCAR fan. I find this funny, and constantly get smacked for cracking jokes.
4. The only place to find Hofbrau, (that I've found).

Be warned and maybe consult the intrawebs for further information regarding the dangers of Frankenmuth. But for those that can survive, the rewards are sweet.