Gerald Ford = God of counterfeit cash

Apparently I didn’t get that memo. But its true! While in Grand Rapids, a guy was handing out these bills. Go figure, prey on the greed of humanity to guilt people into religion! And why a Million? Why not a Billion? Shit, if you’re going to make fake money, make it worth while! I’d make a Jillion dollar bill. I’d own Bill Gates.

Maybe this is Jesus money. Maybe if you go to church, and you’re a little short on scratch for the collection plate, you can use one of these as an “IOU” of sorts?

I wonder just how many people get this note, read it and then say, “ What the fuck have I been doing all my life? It was all so simple! Why did I follow Jesus n’ shit?” I’m guessing they’re going for the law of averages.

Maybe I should try to bring back common sense and eliminate political correctness and replace it with common courtesy. I’ll use hamburger wrappers and cigarette butts.

Lord of the Flies

Jen and I traveled to Grand Rapids to visit friends this past weekend. We decided it would be a great idea to go to the beach and have a barbeque. Sounds innocent right? Yeah, sure it is. We get out there and the site is on a huge sand dune. Bad thing is, all the sand flies have hatched and are hungry little fuckers. Apparently I bathed in fly libido enhancer that morning or I smell like a dumpster because the flies swarmed me like it was the plague. I heard the sons-of-bitches plotting on how to tag team me to my death and then the feast was on. There were thousands! We got the idea that flies don’t like water, so we’d go in the lake to escape. Problem was, we had to cross the beach. And do you know who lives on the beach? More sand flies! It was so ass nasty, we had to leave. I swear one raped me.

It reminded me of the movie, “Candyman” when the guy opens his mouth and a bajillion bees fly out. Except it was flies, and they weren’t in my mouth. It’s too bad that I couldn’t control the flies, like I was their overlord. I’d make them do things for me. What exactly? I don’t know. No one has been able to control flies for their own benefit before. We don’t know if they’re good for doing taxes or making nachos. No one will ever know unless someone studies them like that chick who lived in the forest with the Gorillas.