24 Hr. Jesus

So I'm not on the religious thing. Doesn't seem that important for me to wake up that early on a Sunday morning. But I have noticed some weird things about churches and religion. For instance, the old local bar has turned into a Mennonite church and seems to have Jesus sessions at any odd time of the day. Who chooses what time they get down with the preachin? Was the first guy a big football fan and had them before and after the 1 o'clock game? Get right with God and the Lions will win! Bullshit! I'm pretty sure they're going to open a drive-thru so you can get your fill of Jesus any time you want.

And after a while, wouldn't they finish the bible? It's only like three hundred pages, unless you get one of those ones with the totally awesome pictures of dragons and shit or the ones with the super huge font for the blind people. So once they get through it, do they start again at the beginning? I think that most people don't catch it all every week, that's why they have to keep going back. I'd quit after Jesus invented beer. I think that's chapter two.

Then there's those televangelists. Every time I flip through the dial, I mistake their program for a European soccer match. There's like three hundred thousand people at those things. And why would you go to one of those fiascoes? You can catch it at one of the few churches in your neighbourhood. I think everyone just wants to get on TV. I'd laugh my ass off if someone brought a beach ball and started the wave.

I wonder what it takes to make a church? I think Chotchky should start one. He'd worship turds. I'd join. I bet I could fart in his church.

The First Church of Feces - Brother Chotchky

Margarita Saturday.

As far as I am concerned, the third Saturday in August is Margarita Saturday. Why? Why the fuck not? Since our gubment isn't willing to recognize actual deserving items as national holidays, why can't I establish one?

The first annual Margarita Saturday was a bit of a suckass holiday, due to the freakishly cold weather and the fact that not too many people like Tequila. Good. More for me.

Here's how you throw your own Margarita Saturday - so you can prepare for next year.

Ingredients:

There should be more drinking related holidays too. You've got St.Patrick's Day, but that's in frosty March. Then there's Cinco de Mayo, but that's in early summer. May 24 isn't far behind there, but technically it's related to some princess or something. Ain't nobody like royalty or nothing.

Suggestions on others?

Facebook = what replaced normal life

Facebook. I have a page. It's shit. I'll admit it. I'm just not cool enough to add the aquarium and the Superduperpoke-o-rama. You know how much time that damn website has wasted since it exploded? One billion years. Look it up.

My biggest pet peeve with the Facebook is that people can update the population with their "status". What ever happened to talking to someone? Not cool enough? Oh, look. Mary is sad today. B.F.D. No one cares. Go dye your hair black and listen to AFI.

The only good thing about that site, and this is what everyone uses it for, is getting in everyone elses Kool Aid. People are naturally curious about what gossip they can get about anyone else. So I'm going to start spreading random shit on there and see how far it gets. Maybe the Make a Wish foundation will finally let me run the bases at SkyDome if I try hard enough. Another thing people use it for is to stalk ex'es and psycho stalk people they want to bang. Yup. I said it. That includes chicks too. Stalking my sweet ass. Back off!

From now on, I will only attempt to use my Facebook page to totally fuck with people. If anyone pitches a fit about what I do on there, they've got an addiction and need to chill the fuck out. And really, do you care if you are in touch with EVERYONE you've ever met?? Need to add the cashier from the Grocery store to your friend list? Sure it's nice to find out how old friends are doing and whatnot, but there is a reason why you aren't friends anymore. NO ONE LIKES YOU!!!

I hate it when random people that I meet add me as friends. They just want to find out what kind of kickass things it is that I do, and envy me. Fact is, everyone envies me. Even Jesus.
One day, he came to me and asked if we could hang out and take some pictures of us skiing and playing Guitar Hero to post on his Facebook. But I thrashed his ass so bad that he cried and ran home before any pictures were taken.