"That's the coolest old man I've ever met."

So last night after a ten hour NFL Draft watching marathon, the boys and I decided to take in some adult entertainment. What else would we do to enjoy ourselves after the testosterone filled afternoon of fooball ecstasy. Just so you know, they took out the "t" in football. Look it up.

A quick jaunt to the wondrous city of Flint, Michigan would fulfill the need to see nude women in various stages of their college educations. But this is not where the story lies. Shortly after sitting at our table, we noticed about a mid seventies guy sitting by himself at a table at the end of the stage. He looked like Steve Buscemi in another twenty five years. We've been to many gentlemen's establishments in our short lives, and this was one of the rare times that we've seen a milkshake there, let alone by himself. So I'm watching this guy, curious to see what his deal is. Horny old dude? Accidentally take some Viagra instead of Aleve? Looking to commit suicide by stripper? What? Not long after we get there, he gets up and sits at the stage to tip the dancer on stage. So when the girl comes to him to collect the tip, she shoves his face in her tits. That right there is awesome. But what made it better was the fact that he "motorboated" her boobs! Holy shit! That man has class!

So a few more minutes of him tipping the various girls on stage, and then he takes one for a private lap dance. Then another and another! Mind you, these things aren't cheap! And by the old man's appearance, looks like he's been drawing an old age pension for quite a while. I figure the guy dropped at least $100 in the time that we saw him. Looks like old Steve Buscemi is eating Ramen noodles till the next pension check gets here.

I wonder if the girls want to see if his equipment still works. Just for a point of reference if it comes up in church or something.

Alls I know is I seen the excape.

Tomorrow at work I'm going to see if I can forget grammar and proper sentence structure.
It's a huge pet peeve of mine when people blatantly mispronounce or misuse words correctly.
Time I see if I'm the only retard who pays attention to things like that. Every chance I get I'll fuck with words and pronunciation and see if anyone corrects me. Not likely, but never the less, worth the experiment.

The main mispronunciations or misuses that really fucking get me going are:
Excape (escape) - I had to excape from that meeting before I fell asleep.
Suposebly - Suposebly, I have a brain in my head.
Seen - Oh yeah? I seen that movie on the weekend.
Alls I need / Alls I'm sayin - Alls I'm sayin is I need a lobotomy.

Fuck! Will you stop and listen to yourselves for once in a while?

On second thought, this would probably drive me nuts trying TO speak that way and cause me to come down with hives. No one likes hives. No one likes turnips either. Fuck turnips.

How I won our "biggest loser" challenge.

Alright, I was fat. For a while there I tipped the scale at 262lbs. I'm 6'1". I wore a 38 - 40" waist. Fattest I've ever been.
So along comes Ed and Lana, and they say their holding a "Biggest Loser" contest between friends. The deal - $50 per person to get in and in three months, the person who lost the largest percentage of body mass wins. The pot got to $800. Split it between the guy biggest loser and the girl biggest loser for the win. Fucking A. I'm all over this bitch. Fatty McFattavitch could use an extra four hundy to pay down some "bills" and do some needed shopping for my Mini.

So I start working out at the gym and eating right, giving this thing an honest try. I'm thinking I'm doing alright with this and if I lose like 25 lbs, I should be in good shape. But what if one of the other contestants beats me by like two pounds? What can I do to make sure I've put in my all and shed all of the poundage I can? I need to purge. I need a colonic. Yeah, I'm so full of shit and old chewing gum I gotta be able to lose like four or five extra pounds right there. Nice.

So i go to the pharmacy and pick out the one laxative that sounds the most potent. Citro-Mag. May as well called it Colon-Explosion, as I would find. I give most of the people I come into contact with fair warning what I will be doing to prepare for the weigh in. I wear this like a badge. "I'm gonna shit all day!", I profess to the girl at the checkout. She smiles. She doesn't even know.

The weigh in was scheduled for the Saturday after Good Friday. Perfect. I have the entire day Friday to shit my brains out and watch the pounds flush down the toilet. I wake up at 8 AM and immediately down the entire bottle and wait. Tastes nice and citrusy. I throw "Army of Darkness" in the DVD player to pass time because its the greatest movie in the world. All of a sudden about three hours later, it hit me like a shit storm. Literally. I ran to the toilet and started my two hour marathon. I could have sworn that I shit out a Hot Wheels I ate as a child.

I honestly didn't think it did too much, but the scale doesn't lie. A three pound difference. Nice.
At the weigh in, I tipped the scale at 232 lbs. Not bad for three months of eating right and a little secret weapon. That was good for about an 11% drop in body mass, and the top prize as biggest loser.

So call me retarded. Up yours! So what if I shit my way to the win? At least I'm not hauling all that old Trident any more.

Yeah, I guess I was right - kinda.

So no more Imus on my radio. Now just wreckless speculation regarding the VaTech shooting.
At least American Idol's Sanjaya is not getting the attention he was for a while there.

Lets see how the circus does with this one.

Why i'm sick of the Don Imus bullshit.

I'm sick of the Don Imus bullshit because it's making a non issue into headline news.
I do not agree with the comment that he made, nor do I condone that behaviour. I'm just pissed that its all over MY FUCKING TV!

GET OFF MY RADIO AND TV NOW!!!

I don't care about this anymore. He's a DJ. He is sorry. End of list. What makes this the news story of the year? Iraq getting dull? No hurricanes or floods to get scared of? Why the hell do I have to constantly hear about his bullshit?

I've never listened to his programs, nor do I care to in the future. I just want the media to stop making this into more of an issue than it already is and move on!

Tell you what. I'll give you a topic to report about you media whores. How about, "How to graduate High School and not become a complete anchor on society!" or my personal favourite, "Chili: The ninth wonder of the world."

My prediction. It's going to take a celebrity death to get everyone to stop talking about Imus. I hope it's Michael Jackson.

What the hell is going on?

Okay, I can see this leading into a few different posts, but I guess I'll pick one item and start with that.

THE WORLD IS A CRUEL PLACE. DEAL WITH IT.

Period. I cannot stand to hear all the bullshit about, "Teachers can't control their classrooms because children have the upper hand" and "This recess is a "No Running" recess, to prevent injuries."

What the hell is society coming to? A no running recess? Kids can only briskly saunter or up the pace a bit while playing tag? Give me a break. School boards are so afraid of lawsuits in this "sue happy" era that it's affecting how kids are raised. Part of growing up is having authority figures scare the shit out of you when you do something dumb. Now kids are in the driver's seat, because teachers are afraid to so much as raise their voice in fear of losing their jobs.

Fuck that. My teachers used to beat the shit out of us guys when we got out of line. Not to say that we didn't try to retaliate, but we knew from then on there was always that threat. One time I watched my teacher hold a student against the wall by his throat. Not because the teacher felt like doing it, but because the kid was being an ignorant fuck stick and deserved it. There was always "that" teacher that had a run in with a kid years ago, and that reputation kept 99% of the kids in the future in line. I'm sure those teachers had an easier career handling the shit head kids than the push over teachers.

School boards need to re-vamp how they do business and get the control back from the kids. I say we go for a military style school atmosphere. Parents need to realize that they didn't get any of this bullshit when they were in school, and they turned out just fine. School is the first steps in preparing a kid for the real world, and if you keep them in a bubble, they'll turn into socially retarded douche bags.

Pandora

Just thought I would let you all know about a great internet music site that I've been using for the last few months.
Pandora Internet Radio - can be found at www.pandora.com
This site allows you to discover music that you actually like! This takes Sirius and XM to the next level. You program stations that play music that you rate as a like or dislike.
This now serves as my household radio, and I don't know what I'd do without it. Probably get leprosy or something.

Turd Dog

Hello,

My name is Chotchky. Hoser Dave and Hoser Jen are my owners. I love them, but I also love to torture them. For instance, one time when they left to go shopping for a while, I decided to eat the cushions on the couch. What can I say? I was hungry and bored!

I've recently been diagnosed with OCD. Yeah, dogs can have OCD too. My obsession is to bite any light reflection ANYWHERE. For instance, Hoser Dave's watch casts a glimmer of light on the coffee table, I have to bite that reflection pronto, even if it means reconstructive dental surgery.

I also have an excessive amount of shit in me for some reason. Might be from a slight bowel obstruction from all the pieces of blanket I eat on a daily basis to annoy Dave and Jen, but I'm not sure. I shit every time I get let outside. On any given day, I could possibly shit 5-7 times. Impressive I know.

I'll pop in the next time I do something that completely pisses them off, and trust me, that might be sooner than later.

Welcome to Hot Chowder.

Welcome one and all to Hot Chowder. I'll be your host through this adventure in life, love, music, entertainment and what it is that I eat on a daily basis. Not that it's all that important, but moreso than anything I've ever seen on the local news.

My name is Hoser Dave and I'm in my late twenties. I reside in a small town where everyone knows everyone and that's the way they like it. The local weekly newspaper even has a "social" reporter, who reports on all the happenings of every resident of the retirement homes in town. She also reports such important events as, "First Robin Sighting of 2007" and "So and So's relatives are in town from Barrie". Contain yourselves. I'll be sure to use some of her column as fodder.

I should point out one thing before i delve into this "blogging" thing. I have a goal. When I was in High School, I had some difficulty choosing a career path. On one hand, I'm a motorhead, and the other somewhat of an entertainer. I was either going to go to school to work in the automotive industry, or to become a radio DJ. I chose the auto industry, because at the time it was a very lucritive career choice. I did not no at the time that I would grow to hate it more and more as time goes on. So this blog, and eventually podcast "will" (read ~ had better damn well) fulfill that desire to inform and entertain.

So thank you for taking the time to read this and hopefully you'll enjoy my life as much as I do.