How I won our "biggest loser" challenge.

Alright, I was fat. For a while there I tipped the scale at 262lbs. I'm 6'1". I wore a 38 - 40" waist. Fattest I've ever been.
So along comes Ed and Lana, and they say their holding a "Biggest Loser" contest between friends. The deal - $50 per person to get in and in three months, the person who lost the largest percentage of body mass wins. The pot got to $800. Split it between the guy biggest loser and the girl biggest loser for the win. Fucking A. I'm all over this bitch. Fatty McFattavitch could use an extra four hundy to pay down some "bills" and do some needed shopping for my Mini.

So I start working out at the gym and eating right, giving this thing an honest try. I'm thinking I'm doing alright with this and if I lose like 25 lbs, I should be in good shape. But what if one of the other contestants beats me by like two pounds? What can I do to make sure I've put in my all and shed all of the poundage I can? I need to purge. I need a colonic. Yeah, I'm so full of shit and old chewing gum I gotta be able to lose like four or five extra pounds right there. Nice.

So i go to the pharmacy and pick out the one laxative that sounds the most potent. Citro-Mag. May as well called it Colon-Explosion, as I would find. I give most of the people I come into contact with fair warning what I will be doing to prepare for the weigh in. I wear this like a badge. "I'm gonna shit all day!", I profess to the girl at the checkout. She smiles. She doesn't even know.

The weigh in was scheduled for the Saturday after Good Friday. Perfect. I have the entire day Friday to shit my brains out and watch the pounds flush down the toilet. I wake up at 8 AM and immediately down the entire bottle and wait. Tastes nice and citrusy. I throw "Army of Darkness" in the DVD player to pass time because its the greatest movie in the world. All of a sudden about three hours later, it hit me like a shit storm. Literally. I ran to the toilet and started my two hour marathon. I could have sworn that I shit out a Hot Wheels I ate as a child.

I honestly didn't think it did too much, but the scale doesn't lie. A three pound difference. Nice.
At the weigh in, I tipped the scale at 232 lbs. Not bad for three months of eating right and a little secret weapon. That was good for about an 11% drop in body mass, and the top prize as biggest loser.

So call me retarded. Up yours! So what if I shit my way to the win? At least I'm not hauling all that old Trident any more.